Friday, April 17, 2009

Birmingham, Alabama

First you must learn to pronounce the city's name. It's 'Bur-min-ham'.

Driving Information:

Burminham has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest
exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes
after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way
anytime.

To find anything in the city, it is required that you know where
Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and
the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf formation' interchanges in
the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to
implement it again, Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber than we
are.

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from
3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term
'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in
passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes
late regardless of where you are in your commute.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)
rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female
drivers alike.

You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road.
They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think
this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after
the War of Northern Aggression.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before
you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or
football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else.

Construction is a permanent fixture in Burminham. The barrels are moved
around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little
more interesting.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them over to the
shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was
'accidentally activated'.

The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less
is considered downright sissy.

This is also Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR --
especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving
at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in
a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped a
bird' accordingly.

Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying
make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro and maintaining a steady
speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north
of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of
Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:

If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20
degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents
consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads
(frontways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be
the next target.

Seasonal Information:

If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with
the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to
crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.

If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:

Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama ' unless it is to
sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a
brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us
Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn't
say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to
us anymore and by now we're used to it.

If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?' This
is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root
Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.

All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or
have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama

(an' this little feller's mama, daddy and bros and sisters live in my yard!)



There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus acouple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you'retwo.We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.

DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, butrequire 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time.Fried catfish is the other white meat..

We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we can drive, wecan drive.

If you understand these jokes, please forward them to your friends fromAlabama (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be a Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say it's an artform or a gift from God.

9 comments:

Adrienne said...

ROFLOL! HILARIOUS!!!!!

Raggedy Girl said...

That was so funny. Do I get any points for living on the south side of my street?

Roberta Anne, the Raggedy Girl

Smilingsal said...

LOL so good.

Samantha said...

So funny, such a cute post, we do and say all the same in Tennessee !

Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality said...

Very funny, Melissa! I'm sure only Southerners can relate to many of them. HOpe you're well, thanks for stopping by.

ivoryspring said...

Hello Missy,

What a fun post this is. :) Hope all is well with you!

Linda's Blue Gate said...

Very funny...... I like the.... if it grows it sticks ..if it crawls it bites...
HUgs
Linda

Valerie said...

So true, so true. lol This was really funny.

How have ya been?

Queenie's Vintage Finds and Treasures said...

Hey Melissa!
Oh this post about Alabamians is so cute....I just love it! It is funny to me, especially because I was born and raised in Alabama.

I sure enjoyed catching up with you at your blog....
The VBS crafts were awesome.

All of your photograhy is so wonderful too....I wish I was as good as you are with a camera....You are so very talented.....I enjoyed all of your work. The flowers were beautiful!

I was happy to see you had stopped by for lemonade on the back porch...Thanks so much for the compliments too...I appreciate you.
I hope you are having a great summer. I'll be back to visit with you again soon.
Big Hugs,
Queenie~